Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse and toxicity within relationships.

This book holds a special place in my heart. Although my experiences with being gay were completely different to the protagonist’s (Nick), the struggles were so human that it resonated with me.

Nick’s Struggles With Meeting Others’ Expectations For Him

Nick mainly struggles with living up to peoples’ expectations. He is a top student and actively helps his brother with their family business. From an external perspective, he is the perfect child.

“He was tempted to say no. But Michael expected a yes. And Nick always did what his brothers expected.”

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But internally he struggles with feeling like he can never say no and like he has to retain a level of perfection at all times. To top it all off, he’s gay. And he has no way of knowing how his family will react to it. The only times he’s ever heard any comments on homosexuality was from his identical twin brother and those were all derogatory. He can’t keep up with peoples’ expectations because in this scenario, he has no way of knowing what they are.

I think this particular situation resonated with me the most because of how similar it was to my own. I was academically at the top of my year yet never felt like I measured up to peoples’ expectations. Like Nick, no matter what I did, I never seemed to be good enough and my failures always seemed to outweigh my wins.

This feeling of not being good enough resonates with so many people (especially teenagers). Even if you aren’t gay, you can probably relate to what Nick is going through.

The Difference In The Demography Of The Same-Sex Couple

While the protagonist (Nick) falls into the mould of the ideal, average American teen boy (straight-A student, good at sports, attractive with an active dating life), the love interest (Adam) is an American-Brazilian-Moroccan gay dancer. This difference in their demography shows that being gay isn’t limited to white men. People of colour can also be gay. And the difference in their personalities show that gay men have as wide a range of personalities as heterosexual men. While Nick fits the mould of a heterosexual teenage boy, Adam (as a dancer) on a brief glance looks like a stereotypical gay man but on closer inspection, there’s much more to him than dance.

“But Adam was smart. He read everything, from genre fiction to biographies to The Economist to a weekly sex advice column. He could talk about all of it. Nick might have him beat in Chemistry, but Adam had him by a mile in subjective analysis. He’d never met anyone who would genuinely care about his opinion – but then expect him to defend it.”

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Kemmerer’s depiction of Nick and Adam aligned with the reality of LGBTQ folk. They are more than the characteristics that define them as gay or align with traditional perceptions of gay men. Being gay is only an aspect of Nick and Adam’s personalities and it does not define them. It merely colours their desires and experiences.

In too many stories, gay men have no depth to them other than being gay. Yes, it is an essential aspect of their experience as a human but it does not define them.

The Importance of Representing Both A Healthy Same-Sex Relationship And An Abusive One

Adam’s first relationship is undeniably an abusive one. His partner abuses him both physically and emotionally via threats and manipulation. It follows the cycle of an abusive relationship: a brief honeymoon period followed by longer periods of abuse. At the end of the relationship, Adam is left with severe trauma which results in him being unable to intimately trust any other man. He closes himself off to building a genuine, intimate connection with another man.

Adam finally finds someone to connect with, in Nick. Nick and Adam have a somewhat toxic relationship before Nick comes out of the closet. It, however, is not an abusive relationship as they both love and respect each other. Nick has no intention of hurting Adam (he is merely made a douche bag by circumstances) while an abuser has every intention of hurting their partner. Nick eventually realises his priorities and stops hurting Adam in his attempts to stay firmly in the closet.

My favourite aspect of her depiction of abusive relationships is how clear she makes the fact that the abusers were not merely releasing steam. The abuser intentionally abused his victim in a way that the abuse would never be discovered. Adam’s first boyfriend never hit him where it was visible and actively stopped him from going to a hospital where the abuse would be discovered. This shows he intentionally hurt Adam.

Nick, on the other hand, actively tries to protect Adam and understand why he is so afraid. The one time he lashes out, it is done blindly. There is no manipulation. There is genuine regret. While their relationship is most certainly toxic at the beginning, it is never intentional.

By depicting both a healthy and an abusive relationship, Brigid Kemmerer shows same-sex relationships are no different to heterosexual relationships. They both have the potential to be beautiful. They both have the potential to be terrifying.

Final Thoughts

What’s special about this book isn’t that it’s about a gay guy (although that’s definitely a bonus), it’s in its ability to resonate with its audience. This book is aimed towards a young adult audience and resonates with teenagers. A lot of teenagers struggle with keeping up with expectations. A lot of teenagers are LGBTQ and struggle with coming out and finding a healthy relationship.

It also doesn’t pigeonhole gay men. In showing two gay men with completely different demographies, it separates their identity from their sexuality. They are first individuals with unique personalities. Their sexuality may be an important aspect of their life but it does not define them.

Brigid Kemmerer should be commended for her beautiful depiction of the struggles of LGBTQ kids. There are few people out there with as much sense and connection to reality as her.