Trigger warning: Mentions of mental illness.
As a young teen, I used to love inspirational speeches and videos. I loved the idea of “You can be anything you want so long as you keep trying”. But in the past two years, I scoff at even the mention of an inspirational speech.
And it’s not what you think?
I haven’t suddenly become cynical. In fact, I am possibly more driven than I have ever been. I am fully aware of the limitations cast by my own mind and body. By my financial situation in life. I am aware of just how hard it is to achieve not just one’s dreams, but even just contentment. And I’m okay with that.
I know that as someone who wants to become an author, there are many obstacles in my path. I can’t simply close my eyes and blindly jump back. I have to think things through. I need not just Plan B but also C, D and E. And that’s life. Some things take longer. Some things never happen. And that’s okay. I’m okay with not living my dream life. I know I can still be happy even if I am never able to become a full time author.
It doesn’t make me cynical, it makes me realistic. It doesn’t take away my passion or drive, it just allows me to detach my self worth from my ability to achieve my dream.
What’s Wrong With Motivational Speeches?
On the surface level, motivational speeches seem to do good. They encourage going after one’s dreams. They show faith in the power of individuals. And they’re usually presented by someone who, against all odds, managed to overcome exceptional obstacles in order to achieve their goal. On the surface level, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But as someone with mental illness and who is liable to base her self worth on her achievements, I have a hard time ignoring the toxicity in the message “Anyone can achieve their dreams”.
Anyone Can Achieve Their Dreams?
Not everyone has the same dream. Some dreams are easier to achieve than others. Some dreams, like becoming a world renowned dancer despite living in poverty and having no connections to the world of dancing isn’t something everyone can achieve. In fact, there are potentially only a handful of people who have managed it.
Now, you may say that that’s depressing and maybe it is but it isn’t the end of the world. While I will always fight for equity and the right of even the poorest person to comfort and happiness, I know that’s not the world we live in. And that’s okay.
You are not worth less because you couldn’t achieve all of your dreams. Now, I’m not encouraging giving up the moment things get rough. Don’t do that. And try not to spiral down the rabbit hole of all the ways you could fail. You should still try to achieve your dreams, even if they’re rarely achieved. But you should know that your ability to achieve your dreams is not an approximation of your value and worth as a human. You are allowed to fail. You are allowed to give up and change directions. You are allowed to have things happen outside of your control.
So yes, reach for the stars but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t reach them. Rarely anyone can and that’s okay. You are still worthy. Forget the motivational speakers. Forget the exceptions. You are not them and you shouldn’t compare yourself to them. You shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone except yourself.
The Reality Of Life: Physical & Mental Illness, Financial Hardships
I used to be at the top of my year. In fact, I was in the top three for four years in a row (1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd). I have a shelf full of trophies, medallions and ribbons. I was in so many extracurriculars that I missed the announcement of assignments sometimes and had to deal with being given less time than other people. I even had people who cheered when I failed or made a mistake.
And I was so unhappy. God, I hated high school. I was simultaneously seen and not seen. People were so focused on my academics and extra-curriculars that they forgot to notice that I am a person with feelings. Hell, I forgot that sometimes.
I spent so much time obsessed with being better than everyone else that I forgot to consider my mental health. And now, I have cPTSD and clinical depression. I have insomnia on and off. My grades could range from anything between 20% – 100% (not an exaggeration, these are actual grades I have gotten in university). And it’s not my fault. I am clearly not stupid. In fact, I have had teachers tell me that if anyone else had my grade (for a specific assignment), they would be impressed but with me they expected more.
And that’s been a reoccurring theme in my life, pretty much since I was 12. I have good grades but I can do better. I am in the top three but I could’ve been the best. I just needed to try harder. I just needed to spend more time in this aspect of my studies or that aspect.
But let me tell you something, the only thing I care about right now is completing my degree. I don’t need to be the best of the best in order to get my foot in the door. And that may seem counterproductive but as someone who has repeatedly pushed herself to her breaking point, I will not take blind advice from people who are not in my shoes.
I have had moments where I couldn’t breathe. Moments where I had to leave a situation due to sensory overload. Because I pushed myself too hard. And sure, getting full marks in an assignment feels goods but if that means failing two more or being rendered incapable of functioning, I don’t want it. I will not sacrifice my health for arbitrary achievements.
But a motivational speech would tell me this is wrong. That instead of being happy to just pass, I should try to be the best I can possibly be. It would tell me that all I need to do to achieve my goals is to keep trying. And that’s toxic.
Your Health And Wellbeing Takes Priority
Your dreams do not come before your health and wellbeing. Your dreams only matter in regards to how happy they’ll make you. If in the process of trying to achieve your dream, you sacrifice yourself, I’m sorry but you’re stupid. You have allowed society to convince you that there is only one way to be happy. You can still be happy without achieving all of your dreams. And this is not me telling you to work a job you hate, marry someone you don’t like and settle for a life that makes you miserable. This is me telling you that there are more options.
Maybe you can’t be a world renowned dancer but you could still work for a smaller company that allows you to do what you love. Maybe you need a second job that you don’t like as much but that’s okay. Focus on what makes you happy rather than what could make you the happiest.
You are allowed to fail. Maybe your financial situation doesn’t allow you to do everything you want to do. Maybe it’s your physical or mental health stopping you. Those things are outside of your control. You can’t change them just because you’re motivated. Sure, motivation helps but it isn’t a cure all. Neither is blind belief.
Motivational speeches are toxic because they fail to see that life is complicated. They fail to see that happiness can be achieved even without reaching your number one goal. It fails to understand that mental illness can’t just be thought away.
When I had severe insomnia, I needed medication. I couldn’t just sleep by willing it. When I couldn’t focus on studying due to insomnia, it wasn’t because I didn’t try hard enough, it was because I was ill. And when I’m crying because of anxiety or going into a depressive state, I can’t make that go away simply with positive thoughts.
Having limitations and weaknesses does not make me less worthy or less valuable. It simply means that sometimes I have to be careful. It simply means that sometimes I need extra support.
I’ve been going to therapy for years now and it’s definitely improved my mental health but it’s not a cure all. I’m not weak because I couldn’t cure my depression and trauma with positive thinking. I’m not weak because I have to be on medication to be functional.
Asking for help isn’t weakness. Acknowledging your limitations isn’t weakness. Settling rather than sacrificing yourself isn’t weakness. You are not weak for realising what you can and can’t do. You are still worthy.
Final Thoughts
Now, as with anything in life, there are exceptions. So yes, there are probably motivational speeches that don’t do the things I’ve criticised above. But please don’t send them to me. I don’t like motivational videos and I don’t really feel like changing that.
