Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual assault.
In recent years, with the Me Too movement bringing to light the sheer number of cases of women being sexually assaulted and their rapist walking away consequence free, there has been a growing disdain for the male gender. And it’s understandable. Even if not all men are bad, having so many cases of sexual assault shows that maybe women aren’t as safe as we had hoped.
This has brought on a rise in the use of the term KAM (Kill All Men). Which sounds terrible and it is but it is also a trauma response. KAM wasn’t brought about because women genuinely hate men. KAM was brought about because many women live in fear of men and expressing that fear with anger is the only way many of us cope.
You’re Blaming The Wrong People
If you are angry about KAM, you shouldn’t go after the women who say it (who are also often victims of abuse, harassment or sexual assault from men). You should go after the type of toxic society that, rather than helping victims of abuse, harassment and sexual assault, choose instead to target these victims in an attempt to silence them. You should go after the men who hurt women like this and view women as objects.
Women are not angry because there are men who choose to abuse, harass and assault them. Women are angry because these men are rarely held accountable for their actions. If these men even go to prison, it’s rarely for long. In fact, rather than rape allegations ruining a man’s life, more often than not, it ruins the woman’s life. Questions like “What was she wearing?” “Was she drunk?” “Did she lead him on in anyway?” “What’s her proof it happened?” “What’s her proof that he did it against her will?” always seem to get asked before anything else.
People are so quick to discredit the victims of sexual assault. Rather than approaching first with sympathy, getting the full story and then making a judgement call, people often go straight to being accusatory. Rather than believing the victim, they do everything they can to discredit her voice. To make her seem unstable. To make her seem like the liar. And worst of all, if they believed it happened, to make it seem like she had it coming.
There Is No Situation In Which It Is Okay To Rape Someone
Most people would agree that rape is not okay. And yet a culture of victim blaming is still present in today’s society. There are people who in one breath can say that “Rape is not okay” and in the next breath ask what a woman was wearing when she was sexually assaulted.
Rape Culture Hurts Men Too
Assuming that men can’t control their behaviour is dehumanizing to men. It reduces men to animals who cannot control their instincts. And remember, when we have pets that cannot control their sex drive, we get them spayed and neutered? But we don’t spay and neuter men. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, men can control themselves. Just like women can control themselves. All we need to do to raise civilized individuals capable of practising self control is to create a culture of accountability.
In suggesting men cannot control themselves or saying “Boys will be boys”, you deprive boys and men of both discipline and emotional maturity. You say that men are allowed to do whatever they want because they are the equivalent of animals in that they cannot control themselves. This image is the reason why so many women fear men.
Victims of male violence get told that it is their responsibility to ensure they’re not assaulted. That the men who hurt them will not face any consequences because they had no control over their actions. So obviously these victims will have a warped perception of men. A perception that will lead them to hate men.
And to make matters worse. These guidelines for how not to get sexually assaulted (wear modest clothing, don’t be alone with a man, don’t walk alone at night etc) don’t even work. There are cases of children being sexually assaulted by family members. Of babies being sexually assaulted. Of women in burqas being sexually assaulted. Of boys and men being sexually assaulted.
Sexual assault does not happen because men can’t control their urges. Sexual assault happens because there are predators out there who enjoy making others feel powerless. It is a sick and disgusting way for these predators to feel powerful. It has nothing to do with clothing or behaviour and everything to do with these predators exploiting vulnerable people. And if you perpetuate rape culture and continue to blame victims, you’re allowing these predators a safe space to continue destroying their victims.
If you don’t understand that only a disgusting sicko would rape someone and that disgusting sickos can be charming and charismatic on the outside, you are allowing predators to walk free.
Why Women Say KAM
Women don’t say KAM out of genuine hatred, they say it out of fear. These are the women who do not feel safe around men. Because they have been taught that society will not protect them. That even their fellow women will take the side of predatory men.
And when you go after these women for saying KAM. They only see aggression. They see just another person who, instead of going after predatory men, go after the victims of predatory men. And their anger only increases as a result of this.
So please, stop saying “Not all men”. Stop suggesting that women saying KAM (when they have no power to actually carry it out) is equivalent to years of men exploiting and assaulting women with no consequences. The two are not the same. No man lives in fear of women hurting or killing him. Most women live in fear of being exploited or hurt by men. One is actively happening, the other is simply a reaction from trauma with no chance of actually happening.
The fact of the matter is that men are predominantly the ones in power. Victims of sexual assault can’t even get their rapist to go to prison. What makes you think they have the ability to kill all men? It’s not an actual threat. And half the time, the women who say this just want to be left alone by men. They aren’t secretly gathering an arsenal of weapons, they’re just trying to get away from a group, society has told them, are monsters.
What else did you expect? That women who were raised with the idea that men cannot control themselves, and so they have to take measures to protect themselves, would grow up without having any reservations against men? That these women wouldn’t grow up with the perception that men are monsters? That men should be avoided at all costs because if they hurt you, they’ll face no repercussions for it.
And you may say that I’m exaggerating but I’ve lived in this society. I have heard these things said to me. I have had moments where I’ve wanted nothing to do with men because most of my experiences with men are either of them abusing me, assaulting me or harassing me. And when I express my trauma, I am often berated or told, in a condescending manner, that “Not all men are like this.” And no, I don’t say KAM but I’ve also spent years in therapy. I’ve had years to get over my childhood trauma.
I Was Sexually Assaulted When I Was 8
Yep, I am in fact, a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence. I was sexually assaulted and groomed when I was 8. And I’ve only recently escaped my abusers (in the past year). It goes without saying that I have a lot of trauma. And that trauma sometimes gets expressed through anger at men. I try to control it and be above it. I’m going to therapy. But I’m not completely over it.
In fact, I had to leave a 5 month relationship with a man I really liked because my trauma wouldn’t allow me to feel safe with him. He never did anything to hurt me and was in fact uncommonly gentle and compassionate. But it didn’t matter. I would still get triggered by random things: from smells to minor arguments. He never even raised his voice at me or gave me any signs that he would hurt me. And it still didn’t matter.
Contrary to popular belief, getting over trauma is one of the hardest things one might ever have to do. It takes years of reconditioning and therapy. And meeting a nice man doesn’t miraculously cure me or make me forget the trauma I got from being violated and hurt for years.
I am finally recovered enough that I can bring myself to talk about it but I’m nowhere near fully healed. And I may never fully heal. I may spend the rest of my life in therapy but I’m okay with that. I may continue having nightmares here and there for a while longer but at least I’m healed enough to write this. That’s something at least.
I am not mentioning my story so that you can pity me. I’m talking about this so that you know that I have lived through this. I know how society treats victims of male violence. And I need it to change. I want to feel safe enough to have daughters. I want to be able to sleep at night peacefully. I want society to change.
We need to create a space where victims of male violence can feel safe and predators face justice. A space in which women no longer feel the need to say KAM.
Final Thoughts
Until a woman can feel just as safe as a man, walking down the street and living her life, there’s still progress to be made. Let’s do better so that the next generation don’t have to go through what I did. And please, stop trying to police victims of trauma before you even hear them out. Stop taking it so personally when they’re reacting out of genuine fear.
It really isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of predators that they are scared. And their anger is a result of living in a society that pretends as though predatory behaviour is normal within men when it really isn’t. We need to create a safe space first if we’re going to be demanding trauma victims stop being afraid.
Thank you for reading, please be kind.
