Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It means you are able to instinctively understand and share someone else’s emotions. Contrary to popular belief, empathy and compassion are not the same thing. Empathy is simply the understanding aspect whereas compassion is when you have a desire to help someone else. While empathy usually precedes compassion, having low empathy does not automatically mean you don’t want to help others or that you’re being wilfully hurtful. And you can have a high level of empathy and still wilfully hurt others.
As an autistic person, I objectively have lower empathy than allistic people (someone who isn’t autistic). This means that I often don’t understand social cues, often don’t realise when I’m being hurtful, I have a hard time controlling my tone which means that sometimes I sound like I’m mocking you when I’m being genuine etc. While all of these things have led to a myriad of misunderstandings and hurt feelings, they don’t make me heartless or intentionally cruel. Having low empathy is not something I can control and not something I would ever choose. Because while I don’t often understand emotions, I know what it is to hurt someone and it’s not something I want to do. In fact, I feel incredibly guilty and confused when I realise I’ve hurt someone.
I Step In When I Can Help And I Walk Away When I Can’t
Also, notice that I’ve specifically said low empathy, NOT no empathy. If you were to start crying, I would understand you were hurt and if I knew you were comfortable with a hug from me, I would give you a hug. But I also have a tendency to offer solutions rather than simply being a calming presence. I’ve had situations where friends told me they were in a bad situation and I offered to let them stay with me or even cover their rent. In a crisis, if I can recognise that I have the power to help, I will.
But on the other hand, if my help is refused but the same problem is reported to me repeatedly, I struggle to care. For me, if I cannot help, I don’t want to be involved. For example, I’ve had multiple occasions where I’ve seen people passed out or in pain but if I see that a more qualified person than me is helping them, I won’t step in. So if the ambulance is already there and I recognise that I am not needed, I will simply walk past the situation without thinking of it. Obviously, if this was a situation where emotional support was required from me from a friend, I would step in. But otherwise, I view getting involved in a problem where I am not directly helping as me being a nuisance.
And there are also situations where I straight up don’t understand why someone is upset and I genuinely do not care. However, my 21 years on this Earth has taught me that just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I have to show it. I LOVE my friends so even when I don’t understand their problems, I listen and try my best to appear engaged. Because even though I don’t understand, I know that if I stopped them by saying I didn’t care, I would hurt their feelings and I don’t want to do that.
Plus, I work in hospitality. Part of providing great customer service is pretending to care when you don’t. And yes, I lie to people all the time to spare their feelings. I may not understand their situation or why they are upset but I don’t want to be the cause of more pain.
Please Be Blunt
I try to be completely transparent about this with everyone I meet. And actually, I only have one friend who knows exactly how to treat me. When we first met, she didn’t fully understand me. There were a few times that I offended her by smiling when she told a sad story (I smile when I’m uncomfortable). And there were many times that I wouldn’t understand social cues and it would make her uncomfortable.
But you know what?
She actually listened to me when I explained I didn’t understand social cues and she made me realise that I still smile when I’m uncomfortable (and I shared my history with that). And she listened when I told her I had to be directly told things and no amount of passive aggressiveness would work.
And our friendship improved. She would tell me straight to my face when something I did bothered her, instead of bottling it up and getting upset later. And I started taking that into consideration. I changed my habits because I care about her and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. And when she wanted to end a social interaction or her social battery was low and she couldn’t handle social interaction, she told me to my face and I was THRILLED.
My whole life, all I have ever wanted was for people to stop being passive aggressive and just tell me what was wrong. I’d spent so much of my life having people blow up at me that it made me wary of friendship. And you know what, apparently people told her off for how she spoke to me. And I promptly told her to not change because her way of talking to me made me comfortable.
I understand that I am different. And I don’t expect others to change for me. But if you expect to stay in my life, you have to be honest with me because I won’t know your feelings otherwise. There’s nothing I can do about lacking empathy. But I still care about people. And no, I don’t understand double meanings. If you want something from me, ask me directly. Don’t ask an indirect question and then get offended when I don’t offer you anything. I have no problem with helping you, but I genuinely won’t know what you want until you tell me.
“People Said You’re A Bitch But You’re Actually Really Nice”
I have heard the above quote way too many times. And every time, it hurts me. Because those people who talked about me behind my back, rarely ever said that to my face. And if only they said it, I might have actually had a chance to know what I was doing wrong. Because for the life of me, I never understood why I was disliked.
I was taught to share, taught to help when I could and taught to be kind. Outside of my inability to understand social cues and occasional lapses in tone, I was rarely mean to people. Sure, I had a tendency to match energies so if we got off on the wrong foot, I wouldn’t be fixing that. But I was also quick to forgive and if I realised I was wrong about someone, I accepted that.
In fact, I’ve made so many friends after having bad first impressions of each other. I once sat with a hurt friend for an entire hour in the middle of exam season (and I had crippling anxiety) because she was upset. And she was upset by the actions of people I was closer to and it didn’t matter at all. I still comforted her and advised her to do what was best for her. Because while I hadn’t known she was upset, the moment she told me, all I wanted to do was help. And I didn’t want her to be upset.
Now I’m definitely not perfect. I’m flawed. I’ve been bitchy and mean. I’ve shit talked people. I’ve trusted rumours that were quickly disproven when I had an actual conversation with their subject. I’ve been petty and vindictive. And there are definitely people who are owed an apology from me and if I haven’t already apologised, I would if they ever asked for one. But my flaws and bitchy moments have NOTHING to do with my low empathy. I’m occasionally mean because I am a human being (and also because I’ve had a very traumatic life).
Don’t Forget, Autism Is a Spectrum
Please be aware that not all autistics are the same. We are all our own people with our own personality traits. My experiences and traits could be completely different to the autistic people you know. We’re people outside of our neurodivergence.
Also be aware that we also have varying levels of morality, just like everyone else. An autistic person could be the sweetest friend you know or your cruellest enemy. Our autism does not make us innocent and sweet creatures. It does not make us cruel. Whether we are sweet or cruel is a personal choice. And sometimes, that autistic person in your life who’s constantly hurting you and taking advantage truly is just an asshole. But sometimes they’re not. If you care enough, ask them for a direct answer. If you don’t, just cut them from your life.
You’re allowed to have boundaries. And you’re allowed to choose who you want to surround yourself with. Just as long as you don’t attempt to get other people to shun them too.
Disclaimer (Because The Internet Loves Assuming Things)
I want to be perfectly clear that I am not talking out of my arse. I spent most of my life feeling different and abnormal until finally forking out the money to see a specialist. And this specialist has confirmed that I have ADHD and Autism. I have done numerous tests and I have a report confirming that I have a below average ability for “understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately”. That’s basically what empathy is (also the test was called the Empathising / Sympathising Quotient so …)
I also want people to understand that I’m not walking around not being able to recognise basic facial expressions. I am a grown adult with an exceptional memory (when I care). Which means that when people take the time to explain emotions and what certain behaviours or questions mean, I remember it. And so it can be hard to see sometimes that I have low empathy because 21 years on this Earth has taught me how to treat people. In fact, many who have known me for years have said that I have gone through rapid growth and become a better person (but all that’s happened is through feedback, I have learned their expectations and desires and am meeting them).
My main problem is I don’t understand double meanings or indirect questions. I answer every question asked of me bluntly (and sometimes inappropriately because I feel compelled to answer honestly), I don’t automatically think that they mean something different to what they’re saying. And this has gotten me into trouble enough times that I simply memorise common double meanings.
Also, I do have empathy (just a lower amount than usual). And when I am tired or juggling many expectations, that empathy gets lower. So if I am burned out or stressed, I find it hard to care about other peoples’ feelings. And because I’m also a massive people pleaser, I tend to distance myself when I know I won’t be able to treat people the way they want me to.
And I definitely feel emotions, even when I don’t show it on my face. I’ve unsettled people on numerous occasions by reacting to something with a blank face. I promise you I feel something. I just don’t believe in expending the energy to show my emotion on the surface unless I’m doing it for someone else. Every time I laugh, it is to flatter someone. On occasions when I find something funny and don’t feel the need to validate someone by showing it, I snort and make incomprehensible sounds. The only time laughter is genuine when it comes from me is when I’m laughing so hard, I can’t breathe. Otherwise, it’s a performance.
And I put on a performance and lie, not to manipulate others, but because I feel an immense amount of guilt when I hurt people. I only became cut-throat with cutting people off out of survival. My natural instinct is to mold myself into what others want. When I was younger, I changed my speech and behaviour to suit the situation and people. This is because I care way too much about other people.
Final Thoughts
I’ve heard way too many people say that those who lack empathy don’t deserve love and shouldn’t be in relationships. I find that incredibly hurtful (no, having low empathy doesn’t mean I’m incapable of having emotions). And this might explain why I have so few friends now. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a burden simply because I don’t understand what seems to be common sense to others. Despite having good intentions, my lack of understanding has hurt people. And while I have definitely grown and improved over the years, it is a constant struggle.
I find myself distancing myself from people because I can’t seem to do basic things. I can’t even control my tone so that I don’t sound bitchy when I’m actually being genuine. And people are often so caught up in what I say that they don’t consider my actions. And now, I only keep the friends who don’t treat me like a burden and I work my hardest to ensure that I don’t hurt them.
I care about people, I just don’t understand them. But my lack of understanding doesn’t give others a right to say I don’t deserve love. Especially when I have never in my life forced someone to stay in my life. In fact, I always let people know what I’m like and I tell them they need to be blunt with me and tell me when I upset them. If I am a toxic force in someone’s life, I WANT them to cut me off. I’d rather not have many friends than have a friend who is hurt by who I am fundamentally as a person. I DON’T want to hurt people but I also don’t want to feel like a monster because of who I am as a person.
Empathy is not something that can be controlled. We can only control our actions.
