If you solely watched the movies and never got to experience the pure joy that is book Hermione, you wouldn’t know what an absolute menace she is. Sure, she may seem sweet while she’s putting her hand up and answering every question in class. But get on her bad side, and she’s not above committing war crimes just to put you in your place.

If anything, I think Rita Skeeter must have been thanking her lucky stars that Voldemort was back because at least that meant, she got the literal teenage girl who kept her in a JAR off her back. You can’t tell me she doesn’t have at least a little bit of PTSD over that experience. Not just that, but the woman was forced to give up her livelihood (albeit temporarily). Hermione Granger gave this poor woman the choice between a prison guarded by soul sucking monsters or homelessness.

That woman either had some real supportive parents or she was one hell of a saver. Because how do you go, what was probably at least 6 months, without a job? Did she work in hospitality as a side gig? How did she sustain herself during the time Hermione was threatening her?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Hermione. Her heart’s definitely in the right place. Her problem is that she’s rigid and single minded. She has a strong sense of justice. This means that she’s never going to turn her back on someone who needs her. She is compassionate, kind and loyal to a fault. But this also means that she’s just about the worst person to have as an enemy. Piss her off and she’ll do unspeakable things to you.

Trust me when I say, putting a grown woman in a jar was just the start of her mean streak. Hurt her and you’ll be wishing for the day she believes you’ve been punished enough.

A Gentle Reminder To Not Trust The Media

I have a love hate relationship with celebrity gossip. On the one hand, it feels so far fetched and detached from reality. On the other hand, they’re actual people. And what they do with their lives is absolutely none of my business unless they’re an active danger to society. In which case, it should be the job of the courts and the police to ensure they are adequately punished for their crimes.

Contrary to what you or anyone may think, we don’t actually know the people who we don’t spend our days with. You can read every autobiography, every tweet and watch every movie a celebrity is in and still know nothing about them. For one, if they can convincingly act then they can create a false persona. And two, I doubt half the celebrities out there even manage their own social media accounts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just hired interns to do it for them.

So it’s important to think critically when consuming media. You have to remind yourself that your attention has a cost and you are the source of income and profit for the writer of the content you consume. Which is why it’s so awful how Rita Skeeter gets to twist the narrative just for money and no one ever truly calls her out for it.

Sure, Hermione puts her in a jar but Rita Skeeter is just allowed to go back to her old ways. And the real kicker is, while each person she terrorises can acknowledge she has the wrong idea about them, when she writes about someone else, even someone who was once her target is fooled. It’s like how Molly Weasley, whose own husband was targeted by Skeeter’s lies, chose to believe her lies about Hermione. This is in spite of the fact that Molly Weasley has known Hermione for a few years now. She’s heard enough stories about Hermione to know who is and is still fooled by Rita Skeeter. Despite the fact that she herself has previously acknowledged that Rita Skeeter is not above lying for a good story.

It just goes to show that no matter how experienced and knowledgeable you are, if you aren’t on your guard at all times, you’re easy to manipulate. In fact, Rita Skeeter’s lies are the start of the propaganda the ministry will push in the next book. The truth is, people want a good story more than they want the truth. They want to feel that they are right more than they want to actually be right.

We are all susceptible to propaganda. Whether or not we have been its target previously is completely irrelevant.

And Now To The One And Only Barty Crouch Jnr.

I’ll forever be disappointed that this fabulous character only makes an appearance in The Goblet Of Fire. I don’t think he’s even really mentioned by name in books to come (maybe once or twice). And he certainly wasn’t mentioned in any books before this in the series. Which is a real shame because he was a master manipulator and a straight up genius.

Let’s not even talk about the fact that he got 12 O.W.Ls, the fact that he was able to trick everyone around him into believing he was Mad Eye Moody, for an entire year, is impressive. And we don’t talk enough about the fact that he was successful at tricking an ancient magical object: the goblet of fire. Listen, I’m not saying that I support him. I’m just saying that when it comes to fictional characters, they can either be likeable by being good or they can be likeable by impressing me.

And Barty Crouch Jnr. impressed me.

I’m genuinely glad he was a teacher at Hogwarts. Sure, he traumatised Neville but Neville was always going to be traumatised. His own parents were tortured to insanity. And he spent all of his school years being bullied by Snape. In the grand scheme of people who have screwed Neville Longbottom over, I don’t think Barty Crouch Jnr. showing him the cruciatus curse even falls in the top 10. At least now, he’s more prepared to face dark magic when he comes across it.

And this might just be because of Brendan Gleesen’s incredible talent but I found myself wondering if he actually felt regret. There were moments of genuine tenderness between him and Neville. And this is a boy who has spent his whole life being mistreated by everyone. Even the people who are supposed to care for him, like his grandmother, spend most of the books berating him.

So, all in all, Barty Crouch Jnr was actually a good teacher. His entire purpose was to teach students defence against the dark arts and that’s exactly what he did. And in Harry’s case, he did it a little too well. The man claimed to be Voldemort’s most loyal supporter and yet spent the first year he was free teaching Voldemort’s nemesis how to resist him. I doubt Harry would’ve ever made it out of the graveyard if not for the teachings of this man.

Poor Dumbledore: All He Wanted Was A DADA Teacher That Lasted Longer Than A Year

Now I realise that keeping a death eater on the payroll may not be the best idea. Especially considering the fact that it’s a teacher role and it requires you to take care of children. But at the same time, in the grand scheme of Hogwarts DADA teachers, he really wasn’t the worst. At least the man never physically harmed his own students.

With the exception of Harry, I guess.

But this honestly isn’t even the first time Harry Potter has been attacked by a DADA teacher. I’m pretty sure the poor boy has been attacked by EVERY DADA teacher. Quirrell had Voldemort in the back of his head, Lockhart tried to destroy his mind and Remus, well intentioned as he was, turned into a werewolf and almost killed the poor child. So really, it kind of feels like the standard. And he’s honestly 1000 times better than the teacher who’s going to replace him.

I’m sure Dumbledore is tired of looking through job applications. And he’s a powerful wizard. Can’t he just jinx Barty Crouch Jnr and call it a day? This could be community service for the man. It would certainly be a more effective rehabilitation than whatever the ministry of magic is doing with Azkaban. And considering how hard Voldemort cursed this job, keeping Barty Crouch Jnr as a teacher would’ve been an adequate punishment.

But then again, I guess him being kissed by a dementor might’ve been part of the curse to begin with.

You’d think Voldemort would remember his own curse. I’m assuming he wanted his most loyal supporter to live and yet didn’t really seem to do anything about his own curse. And honestly, the curse itself is a bit of an overkill considering it was enacted as a reaction to not getting a job!

I know Voldemort was upset at not being hired but did he really have to go that hard? Some of these are fates worse than death. You come into a role, thinking you’re going to shape young minds and nurture the next generation, and you get terrorised by Harry and his gang. You might have come into the role with your life, sanity and soul but you’ll lose at least one of those by the end of the year.

I’d argue that if Voldemort hadn’t enacted this curse, he might’ve won. I’m not entirely convinced that Barty Crouch Jnr getting caught and then kissed by a dementor wasn’t just a product of the curse. This is the fourth time a DADA teacher has met a horrific fate and three was already a pattern. So really, if you look at every choice Voldemort made, he really was responsible for his own downfall.

Final Thoughts

This book is not for you if you’re feeling sensitive or fragile. The characters within this book do not get a happy ending. Many of the characters you come to love and obsess over don’t make it to the end of the series. And I wish that pre teen me knew what she was getting herself into when she picked up The Philosopher’s Stone. Because even though it was a long time ago, I genuinely don’t think I saw any of this coming.

Sure, you have an orphaned boy escape his abusive family but no one is supposed to die. You read this book with the assumption that all the characters who are supposed to be dead already are. This is supposed to be a story that takes place after the war has been won. There are certainly heart breaking moments but it shouldn’t leave you feeling like your soul is being ripped out of your body.

I think part of the reason why this series has so many people in a chokehold is because so many of us grew up with this series. Even the actors and actresses portraying the main cast grew up during the filming. Watching Harry Potter is like watching your childhood friend grow up.

And I guess 14 is the age when you find out that life isn’t fair and we don’t always get to keep the people we love in our lives.