I used to be 45kg (don’t worry, I’m 1.5m (5 foot) tall so it’s not as bad as it sounds). Up until age 15 or 16, I could still fit into dresses that were bought for me at age 8. I wore clothes at least one size up from my real size and I was still wearing smalls. I could shop in the little girls section and I’ve had times where I couldn’t buy an article of clothing because there wasn’t a size small enough for me.
Now I’m not saying that I was the smallest person out there but I was definitely small. Small enough, in fact, that I got away with not wearing a bra for years. All I needed was a singlet and I was good to go.
And yet for some reason, I still spent years thinking I was fat. I was so ashamed of the fact that I had a stomach (even though women have wombs and therefore shouldn’t have flat stomachs and if a woman doesn’t have enough fat in her body, it could cause infertility and a host of other conditions). It was ridiculous. It took me way too long to finally accept myself and realise that I was by no means fat. And all I should worry about is being healthy.
Weight Gain Caused By Medication
A few years ago, I was put on the pill. I had severe issues with my menstrual cycle and I could no longer function without the help of medication. Within three months, I went from 45kg to 55kg. I went from not needing a bra to being a 12D (small waist + big boobs = almost impossible to find comfortable bras). My hips got bigger and I now wore skirts that used to fit around my hips, around my waist.
I had finally accepted my body as it was, only for it to almost completely change. And since I’d had to deal with years of fat shaming (despite being tiny), I stopped weighing myself.
A month or so ago, I had to weigh myself again for medical forms. I discovered that I am now 65kg. That’s 20kg more than I was before getting on the pill. That’s also almost half of what I weighed before getting on the pill. As you can imagine, it wasn’t the best thing to happen to someone who was naturally petite her whole life and still got fat shamed.
How Weight Gain From Medication Impacted My Self-Esteem
I’m not going to lie, it did hurt my self esteem a little bit. Even though I know that skinny doesn’t equal pretty, I couldn’t just shrug off years of conditioning and societal pressures to be as small as I possibly can be.
But I’ve come to terms with it. I know that, for my height, I am slightly over weight. So I’ve decided to change from doing swimming once a week to twice a week and I now have two exercise apps I use almost every day. I don’t need to be as skinny as I can be. I just need to be healthy. And that means eating less junk and doing more exercise. That’s it. I won’t stop taking my medication and I refuse to take diet pills or go on a diet.
That type of thing just doesn’t work. Sure, there may be results for a short amount of time but most people gain that weight back once they realise they can’t sustain their ridiculous diet plans. Plus, diets and diet pills can have actual negative effects on a person’s health.
Despite what society says, I need to be healthy, not skinny.
But even in knowing that, I still get insecure frequently. And my perspective on my appearance is now so distorted, I barely know how I compare to other women. It’s a horrible feeling and one that I would like to erase.
Even Skinny Women Worry That They’re Fat
You see, the unfortunate fact of the matter is that no matter how small a woman is, most of us have felt that we were fat at one point in our life. I have heard friends who wear extra small clothing tell me they’re fat and point to their womb (something that’s completely healthy) as proof. And it makes me sad. It’s one of the reasons why I will never call myself fat. I could gain another 20kg but I still won’t disrespect my body like that by caring more about physical appearances than my own health.
You see, society has a tendency to make women feel inadequate. And one of the most popular methods for doing that, at the moment, is to make women think that they can’t be pretty unless they’re tiny. And as you know, the kind of society that values being skinny above being healthy is also the kind of society that believes that not being pretty is equivalent to not being worthy of love.
Never mind the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Never mind the fact beauty standards change constantly. Never mind the fact that not being conventionally pretty causes absolutely no harm.
Women Are Destroying Their Health In Order To Be Skinnier
We’ve created a generation of girls and women who think their main goal, in terms of their appearance, should be to make themselves as small as possible. That if they can’t be the skinniest person imaginable, they’re not worthy. And if they’re not worthy, they’ll never see themselves as beautiful or capable of being loved regardless of how much outside validation they receive.
Healthy isn’t just a physical state of being. It’s a mindset. If you don’t care about your health or if you only care about appearances, you don’t have what it takes to be truly healthy. And this isn’t me shaming people with insecurities. I will still love you even if you are insecure and shame your body but I will never enable toxic behaviour.
The culture we have created around weight leads people to unhealthy coping mechanisms like eating disorders. It leads people to lose sight of what truly matters: their wellbeing. And it isn’t okay and I don’t stand for it.
We need to start teaching women healthy habits: eating a healthy and balanced diet, consistent exercise and a healthy sleeping pattern. Obviously, these things are not a cure all but they do minimize how much time we spend being sick. They ensure that our immune system is as capable as it can be of defending us. It improves our emotional and mental health. And it stops us from abusing our own bodies in order to fit arbitrary standards.
Insecurity allows us to be vulnerable to exploitation. Hell, every time I get really insecure about my body, I go buy something. That doesn’t help me. That doesn’t make me healthier or stop me from going broke. It only serves a capitalist society. And if I am insecure, I am willing to settle for less than what I am owed.
Face it ladies, the only people who benefit from our insecurity are the people who seek to exploit us. Whether that’s an abusive friend, partner or even a business seeking to profit off of our insecurity. The clearest example of this is the diet industry. The vast majority of diets and diet products do not produce long term results but we are so insecure that half of us ignore this fact.
Why Is Looking Like A Child The New Beauty Standard For Women?
People are destroying their own bodies and disregarding their health in order to be as small as possible. The obsession has gone so far that some people think that looking like a child is what’s attractive. And that’s so messed up.
I’m not saying that all skinny people look like children. I’m also not saying that there’s anything wrong with being attracted to skinny people. But there is something inherently disgusting about thinking that the only way a woman can be beautiful is if she makes herself the size of an actual child.
My being able to fit into clothing bought for me at age 8 at age 16 is not something to praise. Sure, it was outside of my control (I didn’t have an eating disorder, it was just genetics) and no one should blame me for being that weight but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to try and aspire to be that weight either. If I had been taller, I would’ve been grossly underweight. And most people are taller than I am.
We need to stop telling our women that they need to shrink in order to be beautiful. In order to be worthy of love. It does not come from a place of good intention. Anyone who tries to justify body shaming by saying they just want others to be healthy is an arsehole.
Healthy does not look the same for everyone. Someone could be over or underweight for a variety of reasons: physical illness, mental illness, insomnia, genetics, medication etc. Unless that person is a qualified health professional you have sought out, they don’t have the right to make comments on your body or make judgement calls on who is and who isn’t healthy.
When I was 45kg, I ate junk and barely did any exercise. The only thing keeping me skinny was my metabolism. Now, I go swimming twice a week and I have two different exercise apps I use almost everyday. While my upper body may be soft flesh, my legs are toned and the only soft part of it are my inner thighs. I am finally getting medicated and being conscious of my health. Trust me, even 20kg heavier, I have never been more healthy.
But on a surface level, a stranger wouldn’t be able to tell that. And that’s exactly my point. Strangers don’t know anything about our bodies. They don’t get to decide whether or not we are healthy.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, the only thing that should matter is your health. If you are overweight or underweight, it is your responsibility to lose or gain weight in a healthy manner under the guidance of a qualified health professional. You shouldn’t compare your weight to other people. Our bodies are unique and so our standards for health are different.
Please do not compare your weight to mine. I am shorter than most people to begin with and so my range for healthy weight is much lower. At 45kg, I was at the lower end of healthy weight (for my height) and at 65kg, I am at the higher end of overweight (for my height).
Breast size also has an influence on what is considered a healthy weight. Most people will have smaller breasts if they are skinnier and bigger breasts if they are larger. However, if you fall into the category of people with above average breasts (in comparison to your size), that also adds to your weight. And yes, breasts do count in weight and depending on your size, they may be quite heavy.
So don’t compare yourself to other people. Healthy does not look the same for everyone. And that should be your main priority, to be healthy. Everything else comes after. And remember, skinny does not equal pretty. You can be a big woman and still be beautiful. So don’t beat yourself up if you’re not a size 0.
